Your Little Angel.

I found this poem online at Since my due date was going to be the 23rd of this month I just wanted something that put how I was feeling into words. When I read this I couldn't stop crying. I just can't believe this day came so fast and how different our lives could be at this moment. This day is bittersweet. Our 3rd wedding anniversary is the 24th and every anniversary I will think about our baby.


Your Little Angel

Forever will I love you
You will always be my mom
As I sit with angels I look down at you and point proudly
See . . .See her . . .over there, That's her!

Did you know I could hear your thoughts at night
When you used to lie in bed staring, rubbing your hand on your belly
Looking up at the ceiling in the dark wondering things . . .
Who I would look more like . . .
About how my laugh would sound . . .
My First steps . . .
Books that you would read to me . . ones with pictures . . .
"I like Those!"

The park . . .how you would walk me in a stroller to play on the swings
How about after I ate ice cream the dog excitedly licking my
face almost knocking me down . . .
You just smiled when you read that . . I could see you

Do you know I call you "mommy"?
When you are in the kitchen I pretend I am there also and you can see me
I sit at the table and draw with crayons
I made a picture for the refrigerator
Yellow, blue, red and green
Look its of you and me with a sky and trees
I gave you curly hair . . .

Easter . . .that's my favorite
I always think of you holding my hand taking me to church
One of my socks keeps falling down

Mommy . . .I like the way you kiss my sisters goodnight
on the forehead and tuck them in
I play with them in their dreams
They don't know me but if you ask if they ever
dreamed of playing with a little girl
they would say yes . . .
That's me . . .

Do you remember that bird each early spring
that used to always return and sing
It would have been right around the time of my birthday
That was me to . . .
I would sing "I love you"

I am always along side you . . .
Sometimes you can feel me
A brush against your dress, a breeze on your face . . .
that's when I kiss you

You have always kept me in your mind and heart
Thank you . . .
One day we will be together in heaven and you will cry
and lift me in your arms and I will hug
you so very tight and never let go . . .

But for now I have to . . .

No matter where you go, what you do, I am with you
Always know that I am "Your Little Angel"
I love you mommy . . .

Bye . . .

Struggling through.

We (the hub and me) have been TTC for 3 years last May. A few months before that we had decided that this was it. We were going to put devote ourselves to that little person we wanted so badly. I always knew it was me that had the problem. I always knew it wasn't going to be easy. How did I know? I couldn't explain it. I still can't. I found out in that May I had PCOS. I cried and screamed and have hated it every second.
I was put on Metformin. Those pills were horrible. I hated how I was always sick. Then in August I finished my 1st round of Clomid. I was late but no pregnancy that month. It was my second month September that worked. I found out on October 23rd that I was indeed pregnant. That was absolutely the happiest I had ever been. Just dreaming of what the rest of life would be like and how everything would be surprising.
On October 28, 2008 I started to miscarry. I was exactly 6 weeks pregnant. I will never forget how I felt that entire day. I woke up knowing that it just wasn't the one that was going to stick. I never want to feel that hurt again. But as time goes on I think I become bitter. Bitter towards women/girls who get pregnant without even trying. Who don't even want their babies. Or can't even raise the kid they already have.
So how do I become less bitter? And now the struggle- of finding the courage to work and put myself through all of that again not knowing how it will turn out. How do I do that?
So my question to you that have gone through this what helped you overcome it?
I desperately need advice.