Don't drink the water.

I knew eventually it would happen. Someone would say something that would make me want to scream. Now, I know it's not their fault they don't know everything I have been through in the past couple months. But what am I supposed to do besides stand here and smile? Everyday it is like pretending everything is okay and how I am fine with it all. How am I supposed to be okay with struggling for infertility for over 6 years, having a miscarriage, and having both of my ovaries removed? How is it not that bad to some people. Especially the ones who have children. How is you having arthritis worse than everything I've gone through? It all just keeps piling up. I am sick of being belittled about what happened. Yes, I get at least it wasn't cancerous, but really that's the least of my worries when all I can ever think about is never having my own children. I am bitter and the feeling sucks sometimes. Sometimes there is comfort in it, though. I just don't get how people that shouldn't have children can and others can't. I often find myself wondering what I did to deserve all this crap. I can't stand that saying 'Everything happens for a reason.' Well if there is a reason for this all. Someone please tell me.

Oh Friday. The update on life edition...

Wow, how life has changed in the past 3 weeks.
6/16- Thursday:
 It started with going to the Dr. for the possibility of gall stones. That appointment ended with an ultrasound that changed my life. Ultrasound techs should never be allowed to leave a room and tell you to wait. They found something and I was sent home with an appointment for a CT Scan and no answers. That night involved severe pain and an ER visit with a CT Scan. I finally got some kind of answer, a massive growth on my ovary and the possibility of cancer.
6/20-Monday:
 I went for another appointment with my regular Dr. I had some more bloodwork done and found out the growth they saw was about 30 cm (11.81in). I was then set up an appointment with a surgeon for 6/21.
6/21-Tuesday:
 This appointment changed everything. He said they would be removing that ovary through laparoscopic surgery on 6/23 and after they removed it pathology would determine if it was cancerous or not.
6/23-Thursday:
 I was a nervous wreck. I don't think anything can prepare you for surgery. I had never had to deal with that and I would never want to again. I went in at 845 am surgery was set for 1030 am. We were told it would last about 45 mins. I said my goodbye to my husband and his mom and they wheeled me off. The anesthesia is crazy and puts you to sleep so fast. When I awoke in the recovery room I knew something was wrong. I was hurting way more than I ever imagined and everyone was acting so weird. I finally got to go to my room and the clock said 245pm. I asked my husband if he knew what happened and he said no. So there I am laying knowing he is lying and I don't want to freak out so I just wait. His mom leaves to get a drink and he looks over and says "Okay, I need to tell you something. They had to remove both ovaries. It was bad." All I could say was okay.
6/24-Friday:
 My surgeon came to talk to us. I had numerous cysts the two biggest were the sizes of a football and a basketball. I still have my uterus in case we choose to use someone's egg with my husbands sperm. But honestly I can't even figure out how I think about that. Adoption is also an option.Everything miraculously turned out not to be cancerous. Although I was waiting for it to be because everything just seemed to be getting worse and worse.

  So after an incision that hurts like hell going up my stomach, the loss of my ovaries and all possibilities of having biological children, and removal of 42 staples I am completely numb. The sadness comes in heavy waves. I am sad for the many things in life we will not be able to experience the ways we wanted to. I am sad that not only we don't get that but our families don't either. It comes when I see the look on a friends face that they feel sad for me. Through all this we have seen the selflessness from others. Nothing from this time will be forgotten. We will never be able to thank anyone enough for their selfless acts of kindness.
 Well thank you for reading my story. Bed is calling my name for I decided to go back to work tomorrow. I cannot stand being stuck in the house anymore.

Friday Night Leftovers (I Haven't Blogged in Forever Edition)

Finally it's Friday!!

• Obviously, I feel like it's been a long week. I am on day 5 of working 6 straight days. The joys of working somewhere where there are only 3 people. 
• I actually love my job though, how often does that happen.
• I bake dog treats. It's really fun.
• My last post was in August. I am really going to try to keep up with this from now on. 
• I've changed my blogs name. I love it now.
• I have a new blog design courtesy of: http://moozoodesigns.com/ She's pretty awesome!! 
• Things have been so out of sorts lately. But I' need to dedicate an actual post to that. 
• Three of my dogs have kennels now. It's been the best thing. 
• Worst part of that is when we leave the house two of them bark really high pitched like they're screaming. 
• I wish the rain would stay away and it would just be sunny and warm. I could also do without the humidity. Thank you. 
• What do you do when you don't agree with a friends choices? Really bad choices. I think it;s at the point where the friendship is done. 
• We threw a surprise party for a friend last Saturday. She's still surprised. 

And with that head on over to Danifred for the rest of Friday Night Leftovers. 

Friday Night Leftovers

• This week went by way too fast and I feel like I didn't get everything done I wanted to. I realy need to find the motivation to organize our room and office more. One day I'll find it.
• I went swimming today at the gym. The outside pool was freezing. I bet that thing was 60 degrees. I had to swim inside in the heated one. I just wanted a couple more swims outside before fall got here. I am sure my skin will appreciate it later though.
• My friend Tina and I were talking today, we both have had such a bad year with friends. We have both been in situations where that other person was just not a good friend to us. It has made us grow up some and really appreciate the friendships we do have. We both were just so nice and willing to please those people and we never got that back from them. But now that we are done with them we can focus more on the people that matter.
• In less than two months we will be coming up on our 2 year mark. It has gone by so fast. I always think of how differently our lives could be right now, with a year old running around. Then I try to snap myself out of it before I go to far into the dark mess. It's still a very fine line for me.

• I am making spaghetti for dinner, which is my husbands' favorite meal. I need to mention that I absolutely despise eating spaghetti. He is so incredibly picky. So everything we eat is his way because I refuse to make 2 meals. And it wouldn't really be fair to make him prepare his own meal after working all day when I can do it myself since I stay home.  

Have a great weekend everyone. 

Texas

 We left Thursday morning. We is my Dad, his wife, her mom, my sister, niece, and me. My five day weekend included swimming in the most amazing salt water pool ever, eating delicious BBQ food, having a few beers, and shopping. 

 It was so good to see my family. My Grandma who is so warm and inviting. I just loved being able to spend more time getting to know her. Cousins who I haven't seen since I was probably 7. We celebrated my Aunt getting married. He is so wonderful and treats her very well. 

 Monday it was time to get back to reality and I can tell you there is nothing like walking in your front door and being greeted by the four most precious dogs in the world. I of coursed missed the hub, who I never (and I mean NEVER!!) want to be away from that long again.  It's good to get away but coming back home is definitely the best part!

Motivation and Extra Fluff.

I need some serious motivation. Losing weight is like my top goal for myself. I am hoping that losing all of this extra fluffiness will help us conceive. I know the goal and I know what the outcome is something I want more than anything. Yet I can't motivate myself to do it. Anyone out there have any tips? I need to research some sites I am sure there is some kind of support group for motivation somewhere. Right?!?!

Your Little Angel.

I found this poem online at Since my due date was going to be the 23rd of this month I just wanted something that put how I was feeling into words. When I read this I couldn't stop crying. I just can't believe this day came so fast and how different our lives could be at this moment. This day is bittersweet. Our 3rd wedding anniversary is the 24th and every anniversary I will think about our baby.


Your Little Angel

Forever will I love you
You will always be my mom
As I sit with angels I look down at you and point proudly
See . . .See her . . .over there, That's her!

Did you know I could hear your thoughts at night
When you used to lie in bed staring, rubbing your hand on your belly
Looking up at the ceiling in the dark wondering things . . .
Who I would look more like . . .
About how my laugh would sound . . .
My First steps . . .
Books that you would read to me . . ones with pictures . . .
"I like Those!"

The park . . .how you would walk me in a stroller to play on the swings
How about after I ate ice cream the dog excitedly licking my
face almost knocking me down . . .
You just smiled when you read that . . I could see you

Do you know I call you "mommy"?
When you are in the kitchen I pretend I am there also and you can see me
I sit at the table and draw with crayons
I made a picture for the refrigerator
Yellow, blue, red and green
Look its of you and me with a sky and trees
I gave you curly hair . . .

Easter . . .that's my favorite
I always think of you holding my hand taking me to church
One of my socks keeps falling down

Mommy . . .I like the way you kiss my sisters goodnight
on the forehead and tuck them in
I play with them in their dreams
They don't know me but if you ask if they ever
dreamed of playing with a little girl
they would say yes . . .
That's me . . .

Do you remember that bird each early spring
that used to always return and sing
It would have been right around the time of my birthday
That was me to . . .
I would sing "I love you"

I am always along side you . . .
Sometimes you can feel me
A brush against your dress, a breeze on your face . . .
that's when I kiss you

You have always kept me in your mind and heart
Thank you . . .
One day we will be together in heaven and you will cry
and lift me in your arms and I will hug
you so very tight and never let go . . .

But for now I have to . . .

No matter where you go, what you do, I am with you
Always know that I am "Your Little Angel"
I love you mommy . . .

Bye . . .